an ode to suffering

"you cannot appreciate the highs without the lows." pleasure is simply the strengthening of the connections beween neurons and pain is the weakening of connections between neurons. brains function by abandoning old connections and building new ones in response to sensory input (when available) and themselves. if a mind were to only feel pleasure or only feel pain it would cease to function. everything you will ever know emerges from the magnificently complex relationship between birth and death inside of your skull.

consoling yourself by considering your suffering to be nothing more than a prerequisite for happiness cheapens your appreciation of this very moment. Instead of telling yourself "it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all", savor the bitter taste of grief and rejoice because you are alive and you are feeling something. next time you weap, notice the orgasmic release of emotion. cherish the feeling of hot tears running down your face. somewhere, hidden in our suffering is a kind of beauty more sublime than our
petty notions of good and bad.

this blog is shit

So far this blog has been shit. It has been emotional waste. i have used this space to share emotions that do not belong in my life. I was meaning to post on here more but some distruptive events have transpired in my life. Okay one big distrupive event. I was arrested while high on lsd the charges have been dropped and i live on my own now in someones basement (not my parents). The same day i moved in my computer broke and my only electronic device has been a droid x for months. I have not felt motivated to replace my computer. I am now mostly alone in the world and living at half the poverty line and i am not afraid. Should i be?

Maybe This Essay Will Get Me Laid

I am too lonely and too desperate to be touched to have an equal relationship with any girl I am attracted to. When I see a girl with a beautiful face I suppress feelings of anger because she has power over me. Some nights I dont want to masturbate because it reminds me of how long I have gone without sexual contact but I do it anyways because i must. If I dont masturbate then I will try to win the affection of a girl. I hate trying to convince a girl I would make a worthy partner. I hate trying to make interesting conversation for no purpose other than to seduce a woman because it causes me to scrutinize everything i am saying.

I smell bad. I have bad posture. I am weaker than the average guy my age. I cannot convince a girl to have sex with me by simply being myself. But dont you dare say I have low self esteeme because if I walk into a room of 20 strangers I assume I am the smartest one in the room.

I took a bath, drank tea, took a nap (if i goto sleep at 2 am I call it a nap) and then masturbated to pornographic videos that I found on the internet and then ate my cum. so I am in a better mood and I dont feel like writing an angsty essay anymore.

How to Disprove the Theory of Evolution

If it is proven that the universe was created by God in 7 days about 6,000 years ago, and God made a wide variety of species out of nothing in that time, and that Noah saved all of the species of Earth from extinction when God flooded the Earth, that does not disprove the theory of evolution by natural selection. Instead, one of the following would have to be disproved: characteristics of organisms are inherited from their parent(s); these characteristics atleast partially influence an organisms ability to produce offspring; an organism is not a perfect copy or hybrid (depending on whether the reproduction is asexual or sexual) of its parent(s). If the previous assertions are true, what is to prevent God's creations from evolving?
I admit that 6,000 years is not enough time for a significant amount of biological evolution to occur. The amount of evolution required to tremendously increase biodiversity would require something on the order of millions to billions of years.

Disproving the theory of evolution does not prove that life was created by god. Similarly, disproving the theory of electromagnetism does not prove that Thor is responsible for thunder and lightning. In order to provide an accurate explanation one needs evidence.

The Mortal's Manifesto

I think about death every day. The fear of death is who I am. Every day, I think in circles trying to convince myself that the prospect of surviving my own death is plausible and I fail every time. All I am left with is the agonizing mantra, "when i die, it will be as if i was never born".  If i am told that I will be remembered or even worshiped after my death I will not feel the slightest comfort because from my perspective there will be NOTHING.

Every day I ask myself what am I? Usually the most satisfying answer I can give myself is "I am a mammal". I often stare at my dog, mesmerized by the thought that we are more alike than different (as he returns my stare with uninterested glances). On occasion however, I am not satisfied to simply think that I am a warm, slightly hairy creature with a comically complex brain.

 One day while walking through a mall, sleep deprived, and reminiscing with a close friend about my career of ingesting hallucinogens, I had what was the beginning of a slow revelation. I told him and especially myself that LSD had revealed to me that my consciousness is merely a collection of thoughts and that space between thoughts? That is death.

If this raving, sleep-deprived acid-head that I call myself was correct in labeling the spaces between thoughts however brief as death then what do I have to lose by dieing? All I have to lose are my thoughts themselves. Just like everything about my body is about making more bodies, everything about my thoughts is about making more thoughts and that is why I am the fear of death.

Trans-humanists have proposed that if a computer faithfully simulates the consciousness contained in a particular brain, that consciousness could be said to survive brain-death. Biology has taught me that i am not special. Like my genes, almost none of my thoughts are unique. Even the delusion that I am so fucking special is vulgar. Today (more sincerely than ever) I have tricked myself into rejoicing in the fact that I am so ordinary, because a fellow human  being is very similar to this hypothetical immortality machine.
 I fear death so much that I want you to read these words carefully and understand what i mean. I have shared with you, the thoughts that dominated my mind daily for years. If you have read, enjoyed, and understood the words that I have written you may have unwittingly allowed my brain to reach beyond the grave in a way so profound, the thought of it will offer me some comfort when my life is truly in peril but of course, it will not offer the slightest comfort when i am dead.